August 4, 2014 by Pappa
Pre-Ramble by Nama…last Monday i wrote about Cherishing this moment here , i asked Tim to help us look at the practical of Cherishing and Treasuring our spouse this week. I thought we would write something together, as is typical Tim did such a grand slam job there is no need for me to ramble. Enjoy…Cherish by My Man.
There is an old tune by “The Association” that reads . . .
Cherish is the word I use to describe,
All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside,
You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that I had told you,
You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that I could hold you,
You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that I could
Mold you into someone who could
Cherish me as much as I cherish you.
Although this tune is about a man courting a woman, there are some truths that can be gleaned here for the married man from this poor fellow’s feeble attempt to put his feelings into actions.
Feelings to Action – That is the conundrum that all married men face. So we see this poor rookie sap struggling with bad communications skills, regret, and awkward attempts to “fix things”. Oh wait, that’s me after 30 years of marriage J.
From a practical standpoint we all have our “cherish check list”; flowers on the anniversary (hopefully before the actually date – that shows relational engagement), card and clothes on her birthday, a kiss before you leave the house in the morning, maybe even a little extra help around the house when we’re feeling “frisky” or trying to make up for a poor choice. That should cover it, right? This woman is well cherished.
Well after 27 or 28 years I realized there might be more to this “Cherish” list. Let me give you young fellers some hints. I’ll even put it in a list so it has a chance to percolate through your cerebellum (The cerebellum is the area of the hindbrain that controls motor movement – as in “get off G.M. and do something for your wife”).
1.After some years of marriage, whether intentionally divided or through natural selection, we each come up with our list of chores. Break away from the list, do some “unsolicited” work on her list without desire for recognition undetected if possible. No cherish points are gained if you say “Honey, did you notice I cleaned the kitchen?”
2.Be willing to cancel or postpone items on your “Man Agenda” to accommodate her schedule. Allow her to take advantage of spontaneous opportunities for fun and fellowship with her friends or family. You really need to do this without pouting or programming her emotional GPS for a guilt trip – you lose all cherish points if you do that. Every weekend I have a mental list (which I have most often kept to myself) of things I’d like to accomplish. If Kaye needs a few hours to run errands or meet a friend for coffee, I do my best to accommodate without hesitation. Write your weekend list in dry erase.
3. Be willing to STOP & listen (and respond). This does not come natural to us XY chromosome folks. When you stop, make ear & eye contact to listen about the scheduling issue at the dance studio for the kids, you have C_H_E_R_I_S_H written on your forehead.
4. Sit next to her even though the lazy boy looks more inviting, rub her shoulders even though yours are sore, ask her how her day was – and mean it, engage your child’s question even though the salutation is “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mamma, mom, mommy, mommy, mamma . . .”, fill her car with gas when you are diving it, even if it is only ½ empty, don’t ask how much the _____ cost (fill in blank according to most contentious ongoing discussion) – Cherish account is zeroed out if any monetary conversation happens.
So hopefully you get the idea.
Cherish is a feeling that is transmitted from sender to recipient through a medium of action. This action may be performed even though the feeling is not present in the transmitter (husband). If he is intentional the message of “cherish” will be clearly felt and picked up by the receiver (wife). For me it is 90% action and 10% words, one of Kaye’s love languages is Acts of Service – it may be different for you and your wife. I think action is still the common denominator however. The action part can be kind words of reassurance, a massage of the shoulders, sitting down and turning the TV off with the intent to listen (and talk) – just be INTENTIONAL about it.
Do something for her, even when you would rather do something for yourself; her needs before yours – at least some of the time. Key words in this discussion are Intentional, unconditional, unsolicited, and without expectations.
Back to the song –
- Don’t hide Cherish inside
- You won’t have regrets later if you intentionally cherish today.
- Hold your wife once in a while –even during the football game.
- Don’t try to change the other person except through unconditional love and action given to them from a heart of servant hood. This is a Godly, scriptural model that will work every time. You will get what you need only through giving everything they need. Marriage is not a 50%-50% proposition, but a 100%-100% proposition. Only by giving 100% will you get everything you need in return.
PS – Did I mention I fail miserably most of the time. But I cherish my wife enough to keep on trying.
Other thoughts we have written on Marriage: