i do not know
all much, but i do know the one who knows all and i do know HE loves and cares enough to meet us right where we are and be all that we need in that moment.
i guess it wouldn’t be fair if i wrote words like those and then didn’t have to live it.
i posted those words Thursday morning, Thursday afternoon i made a quick stop at the local dance studio and was complimented on our parenting skills ad nauseam, approximately 2.34 hours later my parenting confidence was shattered and i have fluctuated between anger, broken hearted and weeping mess for the past 4 days.
Years ago i was doing a bible study that posed the question…
List an attribute of your Lord and Saviour you treasure.
My answer…”His Faithfulness to give us the hard, he is not a Father who coddles and spoils, he asks us to give up our comfort and understanding that he may give us his best, i love that about My Lord.”
Mostly i have hated these past 4 days. i have found it hard to love anything about what the Lord is doing in my heart. It stinks to hurt and it hurts to see our need and our child’s need.
If i am becoming confident of anything in my parenting journey it is this…
Our 5 children were given to Tim and i for the refining of Tim and i. Each of them could have been wonderfully cared for in a million other homes, but he choose ours. Our Blessing would have been spared much pain if her Saviour had swept her into HIS arms and took her to Heaven from that orphanage crib, but he knew what Tim and i needed and He loved us too much to give us easy. He Blessed us with a Blessing that we could never have imagined when he gave us this sweet one. He is faithfully moment by moment reminding us of our need, our brokenness and our inability. i am painfully aware that i can not fix my child’s pain and brokenness. I can not figure it all out, i would default to “take the next step” except i don’t have any idea where to place my foot.
Which all leaves me very afraid and needing.
I wake at 4 am feeling deep vulnerability, i lay my hand on our precious child’s back and can only say “We need you Jesus, we need you!”
And that is where HE meets me, that is when my heart is willing to hear His whispered promises.
And they sang a new song, saying,
“Worthy are you,
for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God
from every tribe and language and people and nation,
10 and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God,
and they shall reign on the earth.” Revelations 5:9-10
My Faithful Lord has bought our redemption with His precious son’s blood. He alone can figure this out, He has it all covered, He is worthy of my trust.
The Fatherless find their rest at the sound of your great name, the sick are healed at the sound of your great name. Please take a moment and click over to YouTube and soak in this hope that is ours. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zpLPh6LibE
Here is a link to a great reading detailing the hope and power in the truth of this song.http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/a-worship-song-worthy-of-eternity
Our suffering is no surprise to our Loving Father…
Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ . . . not frightened in anything by your opponents. For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake. Philippians 1:27–29
Paul told the Philippians that living worthy of the gospel of Christ meant fearlessness before enemies. Then he gave the logic of fearlessness.
The logic is this: God has given you two gifts, not just one — faith and suffering.
This challenge is a gift from our Loving Father, so is the Faith to live the challenge. You can read more here…God-Given Foes and Faith – devotional by John Piper http://dsr.gd/12t0zVk
My heart still feels the physical ache of knowing how broken we are here in the Fish Pond. i still cry, a lot! But more importantly my heart Knows the ONE who knows it all. I know HIS son suffered that our girl might have healing and redemption. He is worthy of my trust, He is worthy of my obedience in taking the next step as i trust HE will direct where my foot lands. I will click these links, i will listen, i will read over and over, as many times as it take to renew this trembling heart and wondering mind of mine. i will model for my sweet Blessing today that He alone is worthy of our devotion and praise. I will rest in the only answer we need over here in our little pond.
His Great Name